Vacuums Suck (4)
Posted 22 January, 2007 in that is f'ed up., what is she on about?
The last two vacuums I have bought both blew - literally. If they had sucked, that would have been a good thing, but, alas, no.
The first one was a Kenmore upright that stopped working within a month or so. I’d done my research like a good girl, going on the Consumer Reports product-review database and verifying that the Kenmore was the one to get. Lies, all lies! Consumer Reports sucks, and that is not a good thing! I bet the Kenmore people bribe them to say nice things about their shitty-ass vacuums.
The second one, the one I still have now, is a Hoover WindTunnel 2 upright. I’d gotten a recommendation from a friend, but stupid me got the upright instead of the canister, which was actually the model he had recommended. I didn’t bother going on Consumer Reports this time, as they are obviously filthy bribe-taking liars. Since O has been suffering from mysterious allergies lately, I got the Hoover with the self-cleaning HEPA filter.
Self-cleaning my skinny white ass! After a couple of months, the filter was filled with fine greyish-brown dust. When I took out the “convenient” dirt cup (which then does not go back in again), large clumps of unidentifiable, but decidedly nasty, shit fell out of this “filter” onto the floor. I took the vacuum outside and cleaned the self-cleaning filter (you see how there is a problem here?) by jamming my fingers up each individual slat of it. It can’t be removed: It’s screwed in, and the manual tells you not to fuck with it. Also, it is supposed to be self-cleaning. Did I mention that? Furthermore, it is supposed to work for the lifetime of the vacuum, which is, as far as I can gather, about two months.
By the time I was finished, I looked like I’d been down t’mines. Eh up! Thank God I don’t have allergies, because I was covered from head to toe in a dusty brown film of fuck knows what. I probably contracted, like, four different diseases just from breathing in that dust. I sneezed approximately every hour for the next three days. Had O cleaned the filter, he probably would have ended up in an oxygen tent. Thanks, HEPA filter! Hepatitis filter more like.
Then, I had to do something no one should ever have to do. I had to vacuum my vacuum. With another vacuum. The indignity! After that, I decided I would wait till the filter filled up with crud again - which undoubtedly it would soon do - and take it to the Sears service center. After all, I had bought a warranty.
Today, I took the godforsaken piece of plastic shit to the service center, which is located roughly 30,000 miles away in Playa del Rey. “The filter’s not under warranty,” the store clerk informed me.
WHAT?!!! DSHDUSIDHSUIOPGTREIORKRHOPFMSDM!!!!?????!!!11!! I wanted to go round their stupid store and kick in all the screens on the factory-refurbished LCD televisions. Especially because they were still not in my price range despite having been used, broken, and returned. I told the clerk to tell the fix-it dudes not to replace the filter, because I was not going to pay one more dime toward this Ford Pinto of vacuums. (I wish I had actually said that, but I only really said the first part.) I am now hoping that they will write the vacuum off as “uneconomical to fix” and let me get a new one for free. If they don’t, I may well throw it in the trash right then and there, if I can lift the damn thing - it weighs about 40 pounds. I do not want a vacuum that covers me with allergens, nor one that appears to vacuum up spilled cat litter but then spits it out the back of the machine into my flip-flops. I do not want to get filthy every time I try to clean my house.
I also love how when you go to get a vacuum fixed, the clerks ask you leading questions like, “Is your house really big?” and “Do you have pets?” like it is YOUR fault the vacuum broke, because you live in Aaron Spelling’s mansion and have rooms devoted solely to wrapping presents, or because your ten pet musk oxes are shedding on your Flokati rugs again. My house is not that dirty, and fuck you, Sears store clerk, for suggesting it is. Fuck you for a lot of reasons, actually. Fuck you and the broke-ass vacuum you rode in on.
I should have checked Amazon.com. Several reviewers have had the same HEPA filter problem I’ve had. Next time I’ll rely on their opinions, rather than evil, quisling Consumer Reports. Evil I tell you! It’s enough to make me go back to using a broom and a dustpan.