Assertiveness training (0)

Posted 27 November, 2006 in life shiz, preconceived notions

I’ve been reading back over my diaries and compiling an entry containing all the most stupid things I’ve written over the years. (There was a particularly hilarious one about albinos. Sorry, albinos: I was an evil, bigoted little child and now I see the error of my ways.) I was going to publish it last night, but I didn’t finish it before I went to bed. I found it hard to get to sleep, because reading my diaries had made me really angry. I laid there for an hour or so, fuming about things that happened ten years ago or more. I thought about all the people who had hurt me, and how I had never stood up to them, and I hated all of them and wished terrible things upon them.

That’s been my modus operandi for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been good at standing up to people. I can never find the appropriate words, I turn bright red, and sometimes I cry, which is immensely frustrating when I’m trying to assert myself. Then, after I’ve said my piece, I worry that I am wrong, that maybe it’s my fault, or that the person will no longer like me. Sometimes I don’t care if the person no longer likes me, because I’ve already decided he or she is an asshole, but I still worry about it.

So instead I stew. I mentally catalog all the horrible things someone has said or done to me, and go over them again and again. Then, to make myself feel better, I catalog all the things I think are wrong with his or her personality. Finally, I draw on the person’s flaws to create possible scenarios in which his or her douche-like behavior has resulted in terrible unhappiness. Rarely, if ever, do I actually talk to the person. If he or she confronts me, I often find myself saying, “Oh no… it’s fine. No, really.” I curse myself for being such a pussy. Then I make every effort never to see or speak to him or her again.

I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life. It’s easier than confronting them. I know this isn’t a good way to tackle things, though. If I talked to them about what they did that hurt me, maybe they would explain why they did it. Maybe they thought I was trying to attack them, offer criticism that was not constructive, or compete with them. Perhaps I myself had been unintentionally cruel or thoughtless, and they were simply responding to it. Maybe they were used to speaking more bluntly and pointing out others’ flaws more readily than I was, and they didn’t mean to upset me: it was just a difference of approach. Perhaps they had other reasons for their behavior that had nothing to do with me. Even if they had no excuse, even if they were just being mean, at least my confronting them would give them the chance to apologize, and give me the chance to forgive them.

I’ve stood up to some people, and cried and turned red, and sometimes they have laughed at me, or gotten mad, or just ignored me. These people I’ve gladly written off. But there are other people who I think would have understood what I was saying, even if I was blubbering my eyes out while I was saying it, and would have wanted to patch up our friendship. I wish I’d had the balls to talk to them about whatever I thought they’d done to me. Instead of dealing with it, seeing it as something small, and moving on, I’ve made it into a huge fucking issue inside my head. I feel stupid stewing over stuff twenty years after it happened. And I’m sick of being so angry. I don’t want to hate people and wish that their lives will suck. I wish I could tackle their assholishness up front, then accept it and not let it make me bitter.

I need some assertiveness training or something. I don’t even know if there is such a thing. I’m not talking about learning how to deliver a good comeback or a particularly good ice burn: I don’t want to fight assholery with assholery. I like to sting my friends as much as the next person does, but that’s all in fun. What I do need is this: to be able to look people in the eye, say something along the lines of “You’re being a douche right now,” listen to their explanation if they have one, and get on with things. Without turning red, crying, or thinking I’m wrong. Right now all I can do is keep reminding myself that I’ve got a pretty decent head on my shoulders, and therefore if I’m hurt by something, I probably have good reason to be. And that the world won’t end if I say so out loud.