quitting smoking (3)
Posted 26 July, 2004 in life shiz
i am quitting smoking again. it hurts. i’ve been off the wagon for several months now, but i’ve finally decided it’s time to get serious. it’s just so indisputably bad for me that there’s no way to keep going without feeling like i am doing some real damage to myself. my mom smoked for more than forty years, and she has emphysema. i know the brief period of withdrawal i face is nothing compared to what she’s going through. nor is it anything compared to what cancer must be like.
i am worried i will talk myself into failing, like i have done so many times before. i’ve told myself it doesn’t count if i smoke a cigarette and no-one sees it but me. or, i’ll just smoke for a few more days, while i get through this particular stressful period of time.
i feel so guilty about smoking, though, that i have to stop. i beat myself up constantly, and i can’t take any more punishment. i have to clean up my act while i am still young and relatively undamaged. i don’t want to be disappointed in myself anymore.
there is only one reason i can think of to smoke: it feels good. there are lots of reasons i don’t want to smoke, the main one being that it is indisputably bad for me. all the really old people i know never smoked. the ones who did aren’t around anymore. scary.
still, i feel like i’m about to jump out of my skin right now, and i can’t believe i managed to hang out with friends tonight without being a whiny, irritable bitch. i’ve already eaten much more than i should tonight, and i keep having to take deep, calming breaths.
cheez-its sound good.