los angeles driving (2)
Posted 26 November, 2003 in that is f'ed up.
there are many interesting types of drivers in los angeles. let’s examine a few of them, and suggest some solutions to the problems they create.
1. the Timid Driver. usually in a large, expensive vehicle. usually a female. slows down before changing lanes. stops before merging onto the freeway. if any trucks are in her vicinity, will drive as slow as humanly possible to get away from them. if this is a young female, she will be talking on her cell, doing her make-up, or brushing her hair. if an older female, she will be gripping the steering wheel at precisely ten and two, so hard that her knuckles turn white. she will also have her seat so far forward that her head’s practically touching the windshield. she will be squinting, regardless of whether she is wearing glasses. she may also decide to give it some gas right at the wrong moments, such as before a red light or a stop sign. in fact, i’m not sure a lot of these ladies have been to driving school, because i’ve yet to see any of them actually stop at a stop sign.
timid drivers are best avoided, as their hesitance can cause accidents. the best way to get away from them is just to change lanes and pass them. get a couple of lanes over if you can; they tend to drift. other less polite tactics include: getting super-close to them when they are drifting, and hoping they wreck your car so you can write it off and get a new one; tailgating them while flashing your brights in their eyes and honking; and flipping them off while passing them at high speeds.
2. the Hooptie Owner. this is usually a middle-aged man, driving a nissan or toyota pick-up truck that’s seen better days (usually those days were in the 1980s) or a nissan hatchback. some of these owners like to paint their cars matte black or brown. often the toyota logo on the back of the truck will be missing letters, so that it reads “TOY” or “YO”. this is funny for approximately 0.02 of a second. what is not funny is how slowly these men drive their cars. maybe they’re in no hurry, which in l.a. is practically inconceivable, although if they’ve managed to arrange their lives so that there’s no urgency in them, i’d like to know their secret. but more likely is that the man’s car is so janky that it won’t go over 25 miles an hour, even on the freeway.
there really is no way to deal with the hooptie owner. his car simply won’t go any faster. just pass him and forget about it. you can flip him off, but he’s driving so slowly he might be asleep, and then he won’t see you.
3. the Very Important Businessman. this guy can be anywhere from late twenties to early seventies. he will be driving a black car, either a bmw or a mercedes. if he’s a bit more original, he might have an audi. a bit richer, a porsche or a ferrari. he will be on his cell, either holding it to his ear or screaming into the speaker sitting on his dashboard. in his mind, he is the only person on the road, and thus can change lanes without signaling, keep his brights on all the time, and honk at you when you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong. this guy won’t slow you down, but make sure you’re not next to him on the freeway, or you might end up being the meat in a three-car sandwich.
solutions: stay back. these guys normally have short fuses, so don’t honk back or give him the finger. he might follow you and yell at you, or, even worse, whip out the nine-millimeter he keeps in the glove compartment “just in case.” i’ve been followed into a 7-11 parking lot by a man who was insistent upon letting me know i had committed some imaginary traffic offense, despite the fact that he cut me off and all i did was honk. i ignored him and eventually he went on his angry way.
men like this are used to getting their way. don’t feel like you’ve let down the cause if you give in: just feel lucky his crumpled front fender isn’t jammed up your ass.
of course, you could follow him and tailgate. or stick your head out the window and mime an idiot yapping into a cell-phone. or wait till he parks and key his car. but he’s rich enough to sue the crap out of you. so don’t.
4. the Trophy Wife. she’s at least fifteen years younger than her husband. he’s bought her the biggest SUV on the market. she has no idea how to drive it. plus she isn’t paying attention to the road. i got hit by one of these once. “well, i was just following all the other cars,” she told me after making a left turn right across my path and twisting my front bumper. she also had a kid, sans child seat, rattling around in the back of her car.
solutions: pass, pass, pass. don’t get angry. the woman simply does not know how to drive. nothing you can say or do will alter this fact, nor the fact that she does not have a clue as to the dimensions of her vehicle. also, taunting these ladies is often guilt-provoking; once, after almost getting hit by a woman who was going the wrong way in a parking lot, i yelled at her out my window, and she *cringed.* seriously. hunched down in her seat, scrunched-up face, the lot. god. i felt like i kicked a puppy.
my solution to road rage: assume all the people in the cars around you are stupid. watch out for them. then crank up your music and forget about it. if your honking and cursing could make people think seriously about improving the quality of their driving, the world would be a much happier place. but it can’t, and it ain’t. sorry.