Superhero-Themed Fourth Birthday Party: Etsy Roundup

Posted on May 18, 2012 by kate

My son recently turned four, and we threw him a superhero birthday party. My amazing pastry-chef friend made him cake pops in the shapes of Batman, Spiderman, Venom, and The Incredible Hulk. Batman had a little paper cape, and Venom’s tongue was a sour gummy bootlace. We decorated the back yard with a city skyline – big cardboard boxes wrapped in black construction paper and painted with acrylics to look like skyscrapers. I also made comic-book bunting. I had to vet the comic-book flags carefully after I’d cut them out: there was one gnarly issue of Spider-Man featuring a story about an AK-47-toting skeleton army. It was actually visually very cool – the whole story was done in black, grey, red and white – but there was no way I could decorate a four-year-old’s birthday party with pictures of arteries squirting and chests ripped apart by bullet slugs.

I got a lot of my party supplies on Etsy: I didn’t want to send my son’s friends home with goodie bags full of generic junk (although, apparently, I didn’t have a problem giving them plenty of candy), so Etsy was the perfect place to find party favors and other accessories. I also hit up Amazon for a few bulk items I felt fit the theme without being too trashy. Here’s a roundup of what I got.

1. Superhero stickers: $6.05 for 24. From SimplySweetness. (These sealed the top of the goodie bags, which were light blue and dark blue paper lunch sacks.)

2. Spiderman blowouts: $7.22 for 8. (These went in the Spider-Man pinata, which I got at 9th and Central in downtown LA. It’s a pull-string pinata, which means the kids pull on ribbons to open it instead of bashing it with a stick. 10 four-year-olds bashing something with a stick = several four-year-olds bashing each other with a stick. Also, I would feel weird beating Spider-Man till his head exploded.)

3. Marvel Heroes foam balls: $7.49 for 12. (These went in the goodie bags.)

4. Marvel Pez dispensers: $20.99 for 12. (For the goodie bags.)

5. Superhero masks: $9 for 6. From Quax. (I cut a deal with the seller for more at a discounted price. The masks came in four colors: red, blue, pink and black. We set out a big bowl of masks and let the kids wear them as they played. It was interesting to see the kids’ reactions: some of them loved the masks and kept them on the whole time, and some refused to put them on at all.)

6. Superhero thank-you cards: $15 for printable file, $13 for set of 10 cards. From The Blue Egg Events. (The seller lets you send her a picture of your kid, which she “cartoonizes” and adds to the card.)

7. Batman chocolate lollipops: $14 for 12. From Autumn Lynn’s Chocolate Sins. (These also went in the goodie bags. A pinata, Pez and chocolate lollipops = seriously wired children. Sorry, everybody.)

Posted in kids, toys | 1 Comment

4 Kids’ Toys That Suck – And What to Choose Instead

Posted on May 16, 2012 by kate

Kids’ toys: a lot of them are incredibly annoying. Toys with audio features are at the top of my shit list. They’re often ear-numbingly loud, which is fine when you’re listening to Master of Puppets, but not so much when an overly enthusiastic female voice is intoning “A! Is! For! Apple!” I often think about the guy who does the voiceover for the LeapFrog Fridge Wash & Go Magnetic Vehicle Set, which we had on our fridge for a long time. His cloyingly cheery “silly voice,” I imagine, masks a deep reservoir of seething hatred. He can’t stand children: to him, they’re nothing but grubby, whining little blobs teeming with bacteria. When he was young, he dreamed he’d be a great character actor. Now, as he walks the boiling streets of Reseda on his way to cash his paycheck full of filthy lucre, he wishes he could just unzip his skin, climb right out, and run away, all exposed organs and gleaming, bloody – wait, what was I saying? Right. Kids’ toys. Annoying.

Nothing, however, is more frustrating than when I am the one who bought said annoying toy without realizing it. My son is now four, and in that time, I’ve bought some ridiculous crap in the name of what the great KRS-One calls edutainment. When it dawns on me that the toy I’ve purchased is messy/noisy/generally a piece of shit, then I must stealthily dispose of it without my son noticing, which is a ninja mission in and of itself. After a bit more thought, I often manage to find better alternatives to these crappy toys. Here are some of my most recent toy-purchase fails, and what I ended up buying/making instead.

1. Glitter. The worst idea on the planet! It is fitting that Ke$ha likes it so much, for it is truly the Devil’s invention, just like she is. I stupidly bought a tub of blue glitter for my son to play with. I thought I was being smart by pouring it into a big, high-sided roasting pan so he could push it around without it getting on everything. It still got on everything.

Instead: Glitter glue pens. Make sure you get the washable kind, otherwise you’ll have a whole new set of problems. Washable glitter paint is another good option. Glitter is so much easier to deal with when it is suspended in some sort of sticky medium.

2. Play money. What the hell was I thinking? You try picking up $100 in plastic change every night, and then you tell me how much of a good idea play money is. I was full of good intentions; I wanted to teach my child the American monetary system, but I didn’t realize he’d rather practice making it rain in the club. Meanwhile, he still doesn’t know the difference between a dime and a nickel.

Instead: Real money. My son’s grandma and grandpa have multiple change jars and piggy banks at their house. My son was enthralled: he played with the money for hours. Choosing this method also means it’s much more exciting to clean up the mess your kid left, because you can actually spend that mess on something.

3. Whistles. That Thomas the Train whistle looks like a really cute idea until your kid decides to blow it ALL DAY LONG. Oh, and then he shares it with his germy friends. Three- and four-year-olds = not good at restricting salivary flow when blowing into musical instruments.

Instead: Real kids’ musical instruments. My son has the Melissa & Doug Band in a Box. They’re still loud, but playing kid-size instruments will help prepare your son or daughter to be a rock star, and isn’t that what we all want for our children?

4. Slime. God only knows what this stuff is made of. It leaves horrific stains, picks up hair and dirt, and, after one or two play sessions, it becomes so dirty and lumpy that it’s basically useless. Plus, it’s always fun when your kid cries because he can’t jam the slime back into its squeezy container.

Instead: Make your own slime. My kid loves making concoctions, especially when he can dig his hands into them. Edible finger paint is another great slime substitute: it’s basically vanilla pudding with food coloring in it, so it gets kind of custardy and you can fling it at things. You can also make it with natural food-based dyes, like beets or blueberries.

Good Alternatives to Crappy Toys

1. Crayola 16ct Washable Pip Squeaks Glitter Glue Pens: $6.59

2. Melissa & Doug Band in a Box: $18.65

3. Lakeshore Learning Washable Glitter Tempera Paint: $3.99 each.

4. Quarters: $0.25 each. Available at the bank.

You know, in addition to the Bubble Wash guy, I worry about the Blue’s Clues guy. Every time wardrobe makes him wear those pleated chinos, does he die a little inside? When he gets in bed at night, does he wrap his arms around himself because no one else has hugged him in years? I’m going to make myself cry.

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Think I’m not a judgmental mom? Yeah, so did I

Posted on May 12, 2012 by kate

You might have heard about the media shitstorm going on right now over this week’s Time Magazine cover. It features 26-year-old mom Jamie Lynn Grumet breastfeeding her three-year-old son. The cover line reads, “Are You Mom Enough?” Inside the magazine are articles debating the worth of attachment parenting and breastfeeding into toddlerhood and beyond.

Plenty of bloggers have already posted their reactions to Time’s breastfeeding, uh, coverage. I agree with Kristen from Rage Against the Minivan when she calls this type of controversy a “manufactured mommy war.” She continues, “Women tear each other down, while the entity responsible for initiating the battle reaps the benefit…The insecurities of women surrounding their parenting choices are frequently pawns in the ratings game, and I think the most recent Time magazine article and photo of a preschooler breastfeeding are intended to incite such a reaction.”

I also agree with Kristen when she says, “I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one.” I already said that I don’t care where your baby sleeps; I feel the same way about extended breastfeeding. It’s a choice you make, hopefully after doing lots of research and talking to lots of people, and even if I wouldn’t make the same decision, I’m not going to waste my energy talking shit about you.

Something struck me, however, as I continued to read Kristen’s post, and she continued to list the parenting issues on which she refused to pass judgment. I realized that I have definitely had negative, and probably also ill-informed, reactions to some of the topics Kristen mentions. Ever used a leash for your kid? I was the passive-aggressive mom whispering loudly about you at the park, kind of hoping you’d hear. Ever let your baby cry on an airplane because you’d run out of ways to try to comfort her, and exhaustion had turned you into a virtual zombie? I was that (then childless) woman shooting looks at you across the aisle. I may have also told my seatmate that if you weren’t going to pay attention to your child, you shouldn’t have had one in the first place.

I’m not saying that my opinions have necessarily changed. I am still not cool with baby leashes, and I still often find the cries of other people’s children, especially on an airplane, to be grating. (Some kids sound horrific when they cry: there was one at the park today, and if I’d been his mother, I would have gouged out my eardrums long ago. My child’s cries, however? Dulcet tones of pathos.)

What I am saying is this: I’m ashamed of how I behaved in reaction to these issues. I could have tried harder to put myself in the parents’ shoes. I should have remembered that it’s fucking hard to be a mom or a dad, and that most people really are trying their hardest. Some kids have developmental or behavioral problems that might necessitate the use of baby reins, or they might just be that damn crazy, despite their parents’ best efforts. A baby may get sick the morning of a plane ride, or suddenly freak out after previously being the best little traveler in the world. Sure, I have the right to be annoyed by a leash-wearing toddler or a screaming baby, but I don’t know the full story. My being a bitch about it is not going to help anyone, and it definitely doesn’t make me a better person than the people I’m criticizing.

I didn’t think I was a judgmental person; I don’t post hateful comments on pro-breastfeeding websites, confront people at the park, or otherwise publicly humiliate parents whose childrearing ideas differ from my own. I’ve realized, though, that my whispered asides and dirty looks are just as damaging – and cowardly, too. I can no longer pretend I don’t fight the “mommy wars” unless I’m willing to stop being an evil cow behind other mothers’ backs.

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Mother’s Day: Two Different Perspectives

Posted on May 7, 2012 by kate

In the lead-up to Mother’s Day, I’ve come across two thought-provoking blog posts. One is from Guerrilla Mom. She references this video:

It calls for moms to boycott Mother’s Day – no answering phones, no accepting gifts – in order to show the world what happens when mothers disappear. This “No Mother’s Day” movement will raise awareness for women around the world who die due to complications in pregnancy and/or childbirth. Maria of Guerrilla Mom thinks it’s a terrible idea, and I agree. Like Maria, I think Every Mother Counts is an important organization doing important work. Moms, however, aren’t the ones who should be sacrificing themselves for the cause – as Maria puts it, on the one day a year they should be thanked officially for all the hard work they do.

Of course, it depends what you think of as sacrifice. There’s a middle ground here: instead of making your family ignore you on Mother’s Day, you could tell them to take the money they’d have spent on flowers for you and donate it to Every Mother Counts. Sure, you don’t get a nice bouquet, but that’s no big deal when you check out the enormous carbon footprint of cut flowers. (Thanks to my husband for telling me about this issue.) Pampering doesn’t have to cost money or fuck up the environment.

Another blog post – to which I won’t link, because I already feel mean enough for what I’m going to say about it – mentioned a survey that revealed moms don’t want breakfast in bed this Mother’s Day. The blogger said, well, of course they don’t; who wants to be rudely awoken at the crack of dawn by kids bearing burned toast and underdone eggs? To this I say, come on! Your kids are showing you they love you. Sure, you’d rather sleep in, and sure, you don’t feel much like eating the food; just get your partner to take the kids so you can nap later, and eat something else! No need to be so ungrateful. Again, there’s a middle ground when it comes to Mother’s Day. You don’t have to forgo celebrating in order to support an important cause; nor do you have to be a rhymes-with-stitch when your children are just trying to do something sweet for you.

Posted in kids, moms, parenting | 3 Comments

Your baby sleeps where?!

Posted on May 2, 2012 by kate

“Babies die! OK? Babies die!”

This was the wisdom dispensed by a pediatrician (thankfully, not our pediatrician) when my husband asked him for his thoughts about cosleeping. This medical professional had obviously researched the matter, and was more than willing to explain the statistics and hard facts behind his statement. Or not.

At the time, my husband and I had a baby who didn’t like to sleep very much. (He still doesn’t.) We were trying to find a way to maximize our family’s sleep time, and thus our sanity. Cosleeping turned out to be the best choice for us. Judge away; I really couldn’t give a shit. I followed the rules: no pillow or blanket for baby; no pillow at first for mom; blankets for mom no higher than waist-level; firm mattress; bedrail; no cracks between mattress and cosleeper or bedrail (we used both at various times); baby goes to sleep on back only; baby sleeps next to mom rather than between mom and dad. Cosleeping meant I could nurse my son without moving him, which meant there was less chance of his waking up – because once he was up, dude did not want to go back to sleep. This pediatrician, however, seemed to be saying that cosleeping basically equalled speed-dialing the Grim Reaper.

I’m not going to go into a whole lot of detail about pro-cosleeping research here: suffice it to say that studies indicate SIDS deaths due to cosleeping may have a lot to do with intoxicated parents or unreported cases of infanticide. Or tucking your baby in with a machete, as this ad helpfully demonstrates:

Anti-cosleeping ad

Nor am I going to disparage parents whose babies sleep in cribs. Once you’ve done your research and considered all sides of the issue, I believe you have the right to choose what sleep arrangements work best for you. (Within reason, of course. If you’ve decided that your baby sleeps most soundly when surrounded by drooling saber-toothed clowns, I’d probably suggest you revisit the subject.) Cribs, cosleepers, bed-sharing; whatever works.

So how about a mattress on the floor, you ask? Say what now? Lauren Hartmann, a mom writing for Babble, says she chose this sleeping arrangement for her newborn. She did so for several reasons. First, according to the Montessori educational approach, beds on the floor promote independent learning: when babies and toddlers can get out of bed easily as soon as they’re mobile, they can explore their surroundings and maybe give mom and dad a few more minutes of shut-eye while they self-entertain. Second, she says it’s easier to nurse her baby without waking her up. Third, it’s cheaper, and fourth, it saves space. Hartmann stresses that you’ll have to do a lot of babyproofing when you choose this approach. (Well, no shit; but I’m sure Hartmann knew that if her article didn’t emphasize the need for childproofing, some Internet doofus would start posting outraged comments. Don’t feed the trolls, and so forth.)

Because my own baby woke up and screamed if I moved him after nursing, I understand the “by any means necessary” approach that seems to be part of Hartmann’s rationale for the floor mattress. I can also get behind the cheap and space-saving aspects of this plan. I’m not so sure about the Montessori angle; I’d like to see research and studies backing up the claim that this sleeping arrangement fosters learning. I’m not saying those studies aren’t out there, just that I personally would seek them out before choosing to go with this method for those reasons. My main question is: what happens if the baby rolls off the mattress?

Some of the commenters on the Babble post have addressed this issue, but not quite to my satisfaction: one advises putting a plush rug with a nonslip backing next to the mattress (but what if the infant rolls off face first and suffocates on the rug?); another suggests putting a small fence or bedrail next to the mattress (but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being able to nurse the baby easily?); and another says a rolled-up towel next to the mattress creates a boundary (but again, what about suffocation for an infant?).

Bonus comedy option: one commenter said, “I like to stick my baby in a dresser drawer, it really saves space.”

What do you think? Would you put your baby on a mattress on the floor, and how would you deal with rolling-off issues?

Posted in newborns, parenting | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Staying True to Your Style While You’re Knocked the Hell Up

Posted on April 19, 2012 by kate

Gone are the days when a pregnant woman’s only sartorial options were overpriced floral-patterned polyester tents: Gap, Old Navy, Liz Lange for Target, and Motherhood Maternity are just some of the reasonably priced pregnant-lady clothing lines out there. If you like to dress a bit differently, however, it becomes very hard to find maternity clothes that have enough… individuality. Personality. Zazz. Look at these tops, for example:

Maternity Tops

1. Maternity cross-front cinch-tie top, $19.94.
2. Maternity scoop-neck top, $22.99.
3. Plus-size short-sleeve deep V-neck smocked maternity t-shirt, $19.99.

They’re all good basic pregnancy wardrobe staples. They don’t have all that much of the aforementioned zazz, but you could pair them with something a bit more in keeping with your personal style. The problem is, not many mainstream maternity stores stock rockabilly clothes. Or punk clothes. Or T-shirts bearing funny, but not cutesy, pictures and slogans. In fact, as you can see from the picture above, most common-or-garden maternity shops sell… well, the same exact stuff as each other.

Thank the Lord, then, for Etsy and other small, alternative maternity stores. Some of these clothes are more expensive, but keep in mind that these are clothes you’re likely to wear a whole bunch of times, and will probably still fit into for a while after the baby’s ex utero. The extra room in maternity shirts, for example, can be a boon if you’re nursing and your boobs decide to grow several sizes. Here are some awesome alternative maternity options:

Alternative Maternity Clothes

1. Pleather knit leggings, $74.
2. Cherry Skulls Rockabilly Maternity Top, $45.
3. Maternity animal print leggings, $29.
4. Antique skulls maternity dress, $45.
5. Floating Baby black tank, $33.99.

Option number 2 is similar to the three plain black maternity tops from mainstream stores, but it’s got a bit more going for it. The Floating Baby tank top is a low-key, funny alternative to those syrupy “Baby on Board” and “Lil’ Bean” shirts. On an unrelated note, I’m not sure why the lady modelling the pleather leggings looks so surprised to be pregnant, but it’s cracking me up.

Another option that worked for me until – well, until about a week ago (I’m currently seven months pregnant) was the Bellaband. For around $20, I was able to wear my favorite skinny black jeans unbuttoned, with this stretchy tube of fabric around my waist to act as a maternity panel and hide my underwear. The Bellaband helped me save money and time by postponing my need to shop for maternity pants.

Need more alternative maternity-wear inspiration? Check out this slideshow of pregnant Gwen Stefani. Sure, most of her clothes probably cost hundreds of dollars, or she designed them herself, but with a bit of searching and creativity, you can put together similar outfits. If you find a shirt you love, but it’s not a maternity piece, try going a couple of sizes larger than your prepregnancy size; you can do this with dresses, too. Non-maternity skirts with stretchy or foldover waistbands will work for pregnant ladies.

Don’t resign yourself to wearing muu-muus and covering your mirrors with sheets: as you can see, there’s no need to sacrifice your sense of style while you’re pregnant.

Posted in maternity | 1 Comment

Mommyblogger Manifesto

Posted on March 29, 2012 by kate

I am just now beginning to feel the urge to write again. However, since I had my son, I’m less inclined to share details of my private life. Instead, I’d like to become somewhat of a mommyblogger – a paid one – but with a twist. Several twists. Perhaps so many twists that it might be hard to categorize me as a mommyblogger at all. Which would be fine with me.

First, like I said, I’m not into spilling my guts online anymore, unless it serves a specific purpose – for example, I’d be willing to write about my ongoing problems with anxiety, because in my opinion, the more that I and others talk about suffering from it, the less freakish other sufferers might feel. I’m not particularly comfortable with broadcasting my family business all over the internet, though. As much as I love reading the intimate details of others’ lives online – and believe me, I looove it: the more oversharing, the better – I don’t want to do that myself, or subject my family to it, especially not for money. That, then, takes a large part of the “mommy” out of my “blogger.”

What do I want to do? Well, let me explain by telling you more about what I don’t want to do. (Because I am negative like that.) I would like to make money as a blogger. What I can’t get behind, however, is the common mommyblogger practice of pimping expensive, unnecessary shit like $1000 garden benches. Can the readers of these blogs really afford this stuff? Or is this some form of decorating porn? Is ogling a $1000 bench the mid-thirties middle-class woman’s equivalent of looking at giant fake boobs? I guess if it were presented like that – like “Check out this stuff that is sort of titillating, that you probably will never get, and that you kind of don’t really want anyway, except in fantasyland” – then it would be fine. But a lot of the time on these sites, the writer presents these things to you as if she believes purchasing them is a healthy way to help you feel good about yourself. Only when you click on the product do you discover that this type of “help” is only for a certain income bracket. Like “Want to freshen up your back yard? Here’s a way you can pull it all together! Make your life pretty! How can that bring anything but joy? What, you can’t afford this? Well, we all can! What’s wrong with you, loser?” And these people’s sites are supposed to be empowering to women?

Maybe I’m a bit oversensitive about this stuff. Perhaps I’d like to be able to afford a bench that costs a grand (though, even if I could buy it, I probably still wouldn’t. Craigslist – ya heard of it? You can buy, like, 20 benches for that much money.). Do I hate people who can afford $1000 benches? Kind of, because I am jealous. (Should I let that go? You’re right, I should; would you like to pay for my therapy? My health insurance doesn’t really cover shrink visits.) Still, I don’t think this type of web writing is useful, unless you’re rich, or you don’t give a shit about the content you produce, because all you want to do is make money.

All this ranting brings me to what I would like to do as a blogger. I want to present affordable, interesting alternatives to the kind of overpriced crap I see littering many mommyblogger-for-pay websites. At first I know I won’t get paid for this type of writing: yes, Whole Foods probably sponsors bloggers to write about inordinately expensive green cleaning products, but I doubt the Vinegar Board of America will cough up for me to enthuse about their product making my windows streak-free. Eventually, however, I’d like to find a way to be compensated for suggesting real-life solutions to common mom-type problems.

This type of writing is likely what you will see on this site from now on. I’m also planning a redesign. And ads. Hey, I never said I didn’t want to make money. I just don’t approve of making people feel bad about themselves by telling them to buy useless stuff they can’t afford.

Posted in writing | 3 Comments

x365 – Mike M.

Posted on October 25, 2011 by kate

In high school, you made a fake museum tour audio recording that abused the listener. “Turn left here. No, left! Stupid.” It also insisted you leave the museum and get on a bus.

Posted in x365 | 1 Comment

x365 – Peter S.

Posted on June 21, 2010 by kate

When I knew you, you hit on your daughter’s friends. You’re now an out gay man. Was all your creepy womanizing a front for closeted feelings, or do you just swing both ways?

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x365 – Naseem Y.

Posted on June 21, 2010 by kate

Even with false teeth, broken pelvis and busted lip, you were beautiful. Even before the accident, you didn’t waste a moment of life. Karmic wake-up call or awful, arbitrary event? The latter.

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